Man, this gig really drains. I'm so dead I could just curl up. All I wanna do is chug some coffee and stare at the internet for hours. But first, gotta upload a few Lord Farquaad memes to celebrate the struggle. Life is a real circus, man.

This corporate ladder you see? It's just a staircase leading to Shrek's swamp

Sure, they tell you it's all about hunger, about climbing to the top and commanding your little domain. They paint a picture of luxury, but let me tell you, that shiny penthouse suite with its panoramic view? It's just another lonely tower in Shrek's swamp.

You'll be long days, power lunches that go nowhere, and a never-ending parade of backstabbing colleagues. Your dreams? They'll get swallowed up in the mire like another unfortunate tourist who wandered into this wretched swamp.

• And don't even get me started on the dress code. You think your power attire will impress anyone down here?
• Trust me, you'll be wishing for a good pair of mud boots

If ever you think about climbing that ladder, pause and ask yourself: Is this really what I want? Or am I just blindly following the system, only to end up like every other lost soul in Shrek's swamp?

Subject Line: "Important Meeting" - My Being: "Like an Onion, Shrek."

You know that feeling when your manager sends out an email with/about/regarding a meeting and the subject line just screams "urgency/importance/significance"? Yeah, well, my soul is currently experiencing something akin to a cinematic onion. Layered with anxiety/dread/a healthy dose of WTF, each layer reveals/hides/uncovers another questionable/confusing/intriguing detail about the meeting's purpose.

Is it a performance review? A team-building exercise/activity/nightmare? Or, perhaps, the unveiling of a revolutionary/disastrous/slightly off-brand new company initiative? Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a meeting about how to best prepare for/survive/celebrate an alien invasion.

• I crave coffee. Like, a metric ton of coffee.
• Maybe I should busy with something else.
• Will my soul ever recover?

This Spreadsheet Could Be Done Faster With Titan Power

Look, this spreadsheet is a real pain. I'm drowning in data and formulas, my brain is fried, and the deadline is looming like a hungry goblin. It wouldn't take some serious muscle to get this thing done. I'm talking about the kind of power that only a superhero could muster. This ain't a job for your average office worker, this is heavy lifting material.

• How about a squad of golems?
• This spreadsheet needs an atomic bomb
• I'm demanding caffeine injections

Weekend? Nah, I'm Just Going Back to My Layer Cake of Papers

The idea of relaxation this weekend is just hilarious. My desk is currently a fortress of papers, each one demanding my undivided care. Honestly, I'm more thrilled about devouring this pile of tasks than I am about savoring some Netflix. Maybe a weekend marathon of caffeine website and scanning is more my speed.

Full Time Work Makes Me Feel Like a Donkey in a Corporate Stable

I'm chained in this corporate monster. Every day feels like I'm lumbering along, just another cog in the factory. I'm exhausted from carrying this load day after day. I fantasize about finding a better life.

• Maybe I'll become a farmer and actually actually get to spend time with creatures who are happy in their environment.
• {Or maybe I'll learn a new skill and finally discover myself.
• {Whatever it is, I know I can't stay here forever.{ It's just not healthy.